It doesn’t matter how old you are or how much of a confirmed daddy’s girl you are, which I am, sometimes a girl just needs her mum. After the pram stress I rang mine and she was a rock. Just a bit of a weep and a rant made things much brighter and clearer. I felt far more productive, creative and positive. Less of the feeling sorry for myself I was going to have to get on with it and be resourceful when necessary.
The 23 week scan had shown Molly was still growing slower than the others and Little Blaine was miles ahead but at least all were making progress and my dad had been very animated about it when he got home. The nursery was about finished by the end of the week and I had arranged a delivery date for my lovely new furniture. The room looks great with 3 little cots all lined up in a row and I keep going in to have a look and straighten things out even though they don’t need straightening. It makes me feel very maternal and soppy.
We went up to Leeds at the weekend to deliver the bed that used to be in the nursery to my mum, this means that we have somewhere to sleep when we go to mum’s in future but it also means there is nowhere to kick Blaine to if we fall out! I’m hoping that when the babies come along there will be far less need for a spare bed. He tried to make it on to the futon in the box room last week but only managed to make it to the floor with a duvet over him. The journey up wasn’t too bad with my pillow padded seat and my knitting to keep me occupied – I’m turning in to a right old fogie. My niece and nephew were very excited to see us and kissed my belly a lot. They were very surprised to see how big my belly had grown and wanted to know how long it would be before they could see the babies but were a little disappointed that I couldn’t or was less willing to get down on the floor to play.
My sister had already explained that the babies would be very small when they came out of my tummy so they might not be able to see them straight away. We went to a party to say farewell to a very old friend and my sister looked fabulous all dressed up in her strappy sandals and fitted trousers. I’m limited in clothes due to my size but at least I had my posh, expensive, flat sandals. I was mortified when I put them on, Blaine had to help me but we couldn’t fasten them up because my ankles had swollen so much. Damn these “cankles” (a friend told me that this is when your ankles and calves become one). We had a lovely time catching up with people from the past, you see, I’ve still got a bit of party spirit left in me but we did have to go early because the girls were up to one of their usual Houdini attempts. It was a good week after all and I did feel much happier and then we had another scan on Thursday.
Little Blaine is doing really well and is piling on the ounces; he’s about 1lb15. The girls however, have slowed right down and are not making as much progress as they should at 1lb 6 and 1lb 3. The doctor was concerned and explained that when she checked their blood flow it was intermittent and it looked as though Poppy was feeding Molly and if I was 30 weeks pregnant she would be happy to deliver them and there wouldn’t really be a problem but I’m only 25 weeks and she feels she needs to get at least another 3 to 4 weeks out of the pregnancy before delivery. It’s too early to deliver the babies. If they are delivered now I could lose both of the girls, but if they continue as they are I could still lose both of them. If we manage another 3 to 4 weeks I could lose Molly but Poppy would have a better chance of survival. She talked about giving me steroids; from what I’ve read this is to strengthen the babies’ lungs. I have to go for another scan on Tuesday and if she still isn’t happy I will be admitted for observation. My hormones took over and I was a blubbering wreck on Thursday.
I’m devastated because we have been doing so well and now there are signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion. It doesn’t matter that the doctor said there was a chance it could rectify itself. I couldn’t help thinking of anything but the worse case scenarios. The furniture arrived on Thursday but I could barely bring myself to go into the nursery and see the three cots because I might not need three after all. I couldn’t control the tears even when it seemed I was perking up a bit I’d start crying again involuntarily. You can never understand how it feels until it happens to you and the hardest thing is I can do absolutely nothing to stop or change it. It is my body they are growing inside that is supposed to be keeping them safe and it’s my blood pumping through their tiny veins that is supposed to be giving them all the nourishment they need but, it’s completely out of my hands.
Blaine has been very strong and is encouraging me to be strong. He is right in that it is no good for me or the babies to be getting so upset and I have to be positive and pray for the best. If it was really serious they would have taken me in on Thursday and if they are delivered early they are in the best possible hands. It still doesn’t take away the doubt and worry that keep coming to mind when ever I do something to prepare for the babies arrival or when I get time alone to think and brood. Its hard to talk to people about it and explain whet is happening because I get too emotional because my hormones won’t allow me to think practically and rationally.
Another phone call to mum was in order and I’ve taken to cleaning and being around friends to keep my mind occupied. Tuesday seems like a lifetime away and I’m getting paranoid that things are getting worse while I wait for my next scan. The spirulina, wheat and barley grass are out in force to try to keep nutrition as high as possible. They are supposed to be super foods but are they super enough?